Trust…beaten down

I hate this feeling…it crushes
vice grips

It stings to the deepest part of my soul.  My tears fall in utter loss but to you I speak:

wretched lie, no matter your size or origin, you steal and take and distort and break and crush and imprint and I hate you more than I can articulate.

             You will not gain for long…this world will unfold one day and the
HOLY truth shall silent your voice forever….

here I stand…salt drips…hoping in forever

Tink

Midsummer musings from my horizontal perspective

This is a stock photo from Google Images...I do not look this cute in spin class

Let the record show that this middle aged girl has always had a bit of a weak back but as of late it's episodes have increased and thanks to a spurt of spinning class excitement in early April, it again, took a turn toward the pain inducing side.  I babied it, took it to the chiropractor and massage therapist for several weeks, nursing it back to a painless state just in time for Peanut's graduation bash, which needs to be a blog post topic. 

I succeeded in also taking it (my back) to beautiful Leavenworth for a quilting retreat.  It behaved, and fun was had...also a blog post needing to happen.  As the cycle of life would have it, the next week, my adorable Labradoodle was ready to breed.  This required a car trip 4 hours south for stud services and three days of mild car travel from my accommodations to the home of said stud...the goal being adorable puppies in Sept.  My goal, sadly during this trip, did not occur...a future post on how and when that goal was accieved will come soon.  Meanwhile the ole back was sending me loud and clear messages of warning.

My Blueberry Pie

My Friend Miche's Traditional Fourth of July Cake

July arrived with fireworks and celebrations along with a now painful back screaming at me.  I had no time for massage, and my Chiropractor was on vacation.  Suffer through...was my motto...the Chiro returns the 12th you can make it girl! 

The 7th I decided to see a Physical Therapist which was a great idea...it gave me a reality check and a set of positions to help my back get on the road to recovery.  Ooh Ahem...what about that dreaded little detail of being scheduled to work?  I will be fine I tell myself...as I limp out the door two days later, hoping it would not be a busy Kingston Quilt Shop day.

Side bar note about the shop...it is closing and, you guessed it, I will be posting about that in an upcoming post,

Where was I...maybe mid story about another dimension of my denial tendencies?...Ah yes.

Denial became reality the following day...when a bolt of lightning pain shot through my right hip down through to my right foot.  I won't give the unlovely details of my sobbing and screaming and feeling like death from pain was possible...you may be one who knows exactly what I would describe.  If so, I tip my hat to your brave and overcoming strength!!  It hurts soooo freaking bad

I was in panic mode but tried  to send out prayer request texts...who knows who received my cry for help, I had zero cognisance abilities at this point...I merely felt like every pain demon that operates against God Almighty were presently having a pain-fest inside my body.  Thank you if you "happen" to be one of those text receivers, and have been able to pray for me.  Based on the text logs in my inbox it looks like the horrid pain-fest lasted over an hour.  After the pain-fest demons flew away they left only the consequences of a numb right foot, inability to support my body weight, what felt like electricity buzzing through the leg and a physical moratorium on sitting or lying down.  I was powerless to do anything but limp around upright begging for relief.  Finally, several hours later, I some how got into a semi sitting position and was able to fall asleep.

So here I lay...obeying doctors orders of staying as horizontal as I possibly can with the goal of seeing if the nerve activity will become more normal. 

I have a solution for ice packs...if only a solution for narcotic induced constipation were as simple.  :)  Sorry people, but narcotics cause constipation! 

Hope in the Living God and pain meds produce this smile....

I am blessed to have Fairborn Guy mostly home from work playing nurse with back up reinforcements on a list either engaged or to be contacted if needed.  A great friend lent me his massage table which is so much easier to lay on than our sofa or my comfy bed.  Another great friend lent us his lap top so I can bloviate about the current events of my life in healing.  And so many are on the clock praying and or sending me calls, Facebook posts, and texts of encouragement...to all of you THANK YOU!

Until next time...which will be sooner than my vertical normal,
Tink

Do Or Do Not, There Is No Try

Tonight was a night of cross roads...do I or don't I

I toiled and cried and prayed and decided:

don't

John I pray your pre-trial hearing goes exactly as God desires...as He takes great care of you.

Remember this photo op?  It was taken only a few short years before we rallied as a family for your intervention.  That intervention was sadly not successful.

Praying for your bottom Bro...I love you~

Circa 1985ish

Navigating Body Deconstrution

Understanding my midlife body

is as difficult as reading

by candle light

Lately living inside of it has felt much like

the storms we get here on the Puget Sound,

unpredictable!

I sometimes feel like I am just standing outside of

this amazingly created flesh and bones house that I dwell in,

only to see disconnected-disjointed pieces and parts

that make entirely no sense!

It's as if my hormones are warring with my thyroid,

which is warring with my emotions,

which is warring with my lack of memory,

which is warring with the 15 pounds I have gained this year,

and all of them are warring with my emotions;

which brings me back to my hormones.

So I ask for help -- take my chubby ole butt to my Naturalpath where I begin to feel like someone understands something about the mess I see. Someone who can tell me what steps I can choose to take next so I can gain some calm understanding of what may be

busted

cracked

or rusty.
I love my doctor...she drew some blood, took notes,

asked questions and even

laughed with me in understanding.

My hope is

that when the solution options are evident from the test results,

I will choose the one that can best aid

my body begin to repair itself toward a more usable structure!

**Photos taken from Jefferson Beach storm January of 2007 -

except snow photo,

which was taken snow storm Jan of 2008**

Do all men suck at going to the doctor?

Though I "should" be making dinner and or preparing for my Ya Ya day in Port Orchard tomorrow, I am sipping wine and writing to cyberspace on my blog. Yes... I am sipping wine...and yes it is not even 5 PM but who the heck and gosh gives a rip!! Not I.

I called Fairborn Guy at work at 4 PM and asked "hey is it too early for me to start drinking?"

Today I decided to tackle an overdue conversation with Fairborn Guy's Oncologist office. Mid conversation I started bawling...."just ignore my crying, if you don't mind, I need you to know what is going on here" were my words to the sweet nurse on the other end of the phone.

For those of you who do not know, my Fairborn Guy was diagnosed with malignant melanoma in Jan of this year. He received great care and had his tumor surgically removed. Once his surgery was done, it was presented to us that he was eligible for a Melanoma medical study trial. He accepted this study that required he see the Oncologist once every two months. Here is where I went wrong....I trusted that this every two month appointment he would be given the riggers of skin observation.

A few weeks ago my sweet man informed me that these appointments were so "useless"....that they did not even do "anything" accept ask him questions.

"WHAT" is the polite version of my response...."are you kidding me? We have been paying $150.00 bucks each appointment for NOTHING?" Deep breaths "...are you saying that no one has even looked at your skin for almost an entire year?"

Committee voices enter my head and scream "you slacker, you know that Fariborn Guy's personality is not trustable to send to the Dr. by himself...you should have been all over this you idiot."

"...just ignore my crying, Miss Nurse, but is this really possible?...has my husband been into your office all these months and not been skin checked...please tell me he was just exaggerating when he informed me of this 'little detail'."

Her response was one of ignorance mixed with compassion. She said she had no knowledge of what did or did not occur in the exam room with the Dr. She was only in charge of the questionnaire. Fair enough but someone please let me know why I assumed that $150.00 every few months was buying me something called reassurance??????

I have such immense compassion for anyone who is dealing with the medical community. With such specialized medicine fields we do gain, but we also loose...we loose track of who does what and when. Patients have to be such ardent consumers....always on the forefront of asking and making sure of the details. Have a I mentioned I suck at details??? My heart is overwhelmed for those, who because of being like my man, do just what Doctors tell them and therefore fall in between the cracks.

Lesson re-learned: I can not let my husband go to the doctor by himself. Dr Oz is a strong advocate of this advice....why did I assume these study appointments were any different....argh?

Goodness...what would good ole Pooh and Tigger have to say to me about all of this? Not sure, but I do know what my faithful and gracious God tells me...He tells me He will never leave me or forsake me...thank you Jesus for our togetherness in all things, even stupid medical study frustrations...may I be able to present to you as a birthday gift this year, a heart of faith in spite of useless medical bills and resulting fear due to them. You are my hope and my refuge!!!!

No..Absolutely No Forget Me Not-hing Trilogy Here

I am going to ffffffforget that today marked yet another day of fluent, forgetfulness, folly-- I would rather blog about something fun and light and happy like this....

This time last year I was in Kauai with my Fairborn Guy celebrating our 25th Anniversary 6 months late! I would give my car and coffee maker to be reliving that experience--but alas, Tigger and Pooh all Santa-ish will have to replace the warm sandy beach, nummy rum laced fruit drinks, and my Man all to myself in 10 days of paradise.

This is me then-- soaking wet lying on one of the two trampoline decks on the front of a catamaran. I was sprayed with the ocean as the rig cut through the waves whilst the sound of the water underneath me lulled me to rest....it was one of my favorite experiences while there....invigorating and indulgent to just lie there with my eyes closed, letting the world fly by. I am thankful my Man thought to take a few shots of my lavish nap, thanks Babe!

Today is now closing...my bedtime prayers will be for a Tigger and Pooh approach to Christmas...live it to the fullest, enjoying the journey with the friends and family that I love, remembering that Pooh also had a memory problem...Sweet Pooh, who is more lovable than I could ever hope to be.

"Pooh looked at his two paws. He knew that one of them was the right, and he knew that when you had decided which one of them was the right, then the other was the left, but he never could remember how to begin."